The closer I get to leaving my community here in La Plata and then leaving Argentina a few days later, the more difficult it has become to untangle the web that is my thoughts and emotions. This particular blog post alone got two major makeovers before I felt good enough about what you’re reading now to publish it, and even so, this will probably be the shortest post you will ever read from me.
Even though a lot is going on with me internally that I can’t exactly bring out into words for you all, one feeling I’ve become increasingly more acquainted with is this certain pain in my chest. There have been moments over the past few weeks especially when I just ache inside thinking about leaving my community here in Argentina. Sometimes it happens when I’m having ensayo with Flor and Franco and Juan and we’re jamming along and laughing and everything feels just right and I realize how much I’m going to miss it when it’s gone. Sometimes it comes when I’m alone in my room, like a sneak attack in the night.
Most of the time, I try to be thankful for the ache because it means that I found something so good in my life that I don’t want to lose it. It’s like the Winnie the Pooh quote at the beginning of this post: I’m lucky to have found people who care so much about me and people whom I care so much about that I don’t want to leave. But sometimes a little voice at the corner of my mind nags me, saying, “Why did you do this? You knew this would end this way, and yet you did it anyway. Why did you open yourself up knowing it would end in heartbreak?”
Because it’s worth it.
Yes, anytime we open ourselves up to let others in, we make ourselves vulnerable to the potential for hurt. But the love and companionship we’re able to give and receive when we open ourselves up to others is worth it. No matter how much it hurts sometimes these days or how much it’ll hurt when I say my goodbyes to my community in a little under two weeks and again when I get on a plane to the U.S. a few days after that, I can’t regret having shared in the lives of my community members here and inviting them in to share mine. I can’t regret the love, the frienship, and the accompaniment that I was able to give and receive by opening myself up this year.
I don’t know what God’s plan is for me or for us moving forward. There is nothing that tells me for sure we will ever see one another again, but I have faith and hope that we will. And even if that never comes to pass, I choose to believe that this is not the end of our story like the song “See You Again”“See You Again” by Carrie Underwood. In the meantime, I’m certainly thankful for technology and how it bridges distance, making the world, in some ways, only as wide as we want it to be.
Many nights nowadays I struggle to fall asleep because I’m plagued with various thoughts about my impending departure. Last night in particular, my mind kept me up with a parade of things I’m going to miss when I’m no longer living in Argentina, and while by no means is this list comprehensive, I’d like to share with you what came to mind last night:
- Dulce de leche-filled donuts
- Serving and receiving Communion “in the round”
- Drinking mate
- Saying the Our Father in castellano
- Greeting everyone with besos
- Going down the street to get empanadas
- Standing in a circle, holding hands, and everyone getting a chance to offer their intentions during Prayers of the People
Like I said, this isn’t a comprehensive list. I try not to dwell too much on these kinds of things right now because I feel like they distract me from enjoying the time I have left, but even so, lots of thoughts about leaving continue to creep in and sometimes they will not be ignored.
This is probably one of my last blog posts as my year winds down. I have a few more planned and would not be surprised if something comes up during closing retreat and/or my transition back into the U.S., but I think for the time being, I’m a little stalled out while I process all my thoughts and feelings, not to mention how busy these last two weeks are going to be with lasts and goodbyes and packing.
Thanks for reading this short and sweet post and sticking with me all year,
❤ Gabriela
We Are the Dreamers of Dreams 